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SUFFER LITTLE CHILDREN
CHEATED OUT OF CHILDHOOD
How Could Divorce Affect My Kids?
Many years ago, the myth began to circulate that if parents are unhappy, the kids are unhappy, too. So divorce could help both parent and child. "What's good for mom or dad is good for the children," it was assumed. But we now have an enormous amount of research on divorce and children, all pointing to the same stubborn truth: Kids suffer when moms and dads split up. (And divorce doesn't make mom and dad happier, either.)
AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH; so they are no longer two, but one flesh. 9"What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate." 10In the house the disciples began questioning Him about this again.…
The reasons behind the troubling statistics and the always-present emotional trauma are simple but profound. As licensed counselor and therapist Steven Earll writes:
1. Children (and adult children) have the attitude that their parents should be able to work through and solve any issue. Parents, who have given the children life, are perceived by the children as very competent people with supernatural abilities to meet the needs of the children. No problem should be too great for their parents to handle. For a child, divorce shatters this basic safety and belief concerning the parents' abilities to care for them and to make decisions that truly consider their well-being.
2. Children have the strong belief that there is only one right family relationship, and that is Mom and Dad being together. Any other relationship configuration presents a conflict or betrayal of their basic understanding of life. In divorce, children [tend to] resent both the custodial and absent parent."
Children & Divorce
While virtually every child suffers the lost relationship and lost security described above, for many, the emotional scars have additional, more visible consequences. More than 30 years of research continues to reveal the negative effects of divorce on children. Most of these measurable effects are calculated in increased risks. In other words, while divorce does not mean these effects will definitely occur in your child, it does greatly increase the risks.
The odds are simply against your kids if you divorce.Research comparing children of divorced parents to children with married parents shows:
* Children from divorced homes suffer academically. They experience high levels of behavioral problems. Their grades suffer, and they are less likely to graduate from high school.
* Kids whose parents divorce are substantially more likely to be incarcerated for committing a crime as a juvenile.
* Because the custodial parent's income drops substantially after a divorce, children in divorced homes are almost five times more likely to live in poverty than are children with married parents.
* Teens from divorced homes are much more likely to engage in drug and alcohol use, as well as sexual intercourse than are those from intact families.
Before you say, "Not my kid," remember that the children and teens represented in these statistics are normal kids, probably not much different from yours. Their parents didn't think they would get involved in these things, either. Again, we're looking at increased risks.
A few more statistics to consider:
* Children from divorced homes experience illness more frequently and recover from sickness more slowly.
* They are also more likely to suffer child abuse.7Children of divorced parents suffer more frequently from symptoms of psychological distress.
* And the emotional scars of divorce last into adulthood.
The scope of this last finding — children suffer emotionally from their parents' divorce — has been largely underestimated. Obviously, not every child of divorce commits crime or drops out of school. Some do well in school and even become high achievers. However, we now know that even these children experience deep and lasting emotional trauma.
For all children, their parents' divorce colors their view of the world and relationships for the rest of their lives.
A Study By A Psychologist
A Psychologist followed a group of children of divorce from the 1970s into the 1990s. Interviewing them at 18 months and then 5, 10, 15 and 25 years after the divorce, she expected to find that they had bounced back. But what she found was dismaying: Even 25 years after the divorce, these children continued to experience substantial expectations of failure, fear of loss, fear of change and fear of conflict. Twenty-five years!
The children in the study were especially challenged when they began to form their own romantic relationships. "Contrary to what we have long thought, the major impact of divorce does not occur during childhood or adolescence. Rather, it rises in adulthood as serious romantic relationships move center stage . . . Anxiety leads many [adult children of divorce] into making bad choices in relationships, giving up hastily when problems arise, or avoiding relationships altogether."
Other researchers confirm the findings. Specifically, compared to kids from intact homes, children who experienced their parents' divorce view premarital sex and cohabitation more favorably. (This is disturbing news given that cohabiting couples have more breakups, greater risk of domestic violence and are more likely to experience divorce.)
Behind each of these statistics is a life — a child, now an adult, still coping with the emotions brought on by the divorce.
"The kids [in this study] had a hard time remembering the pre-divorce family . . . but what they remembered about the post-divorce years was their sense that they had indeed been abandoned by both parents, that their nightmare [of abandonment] had come true."
Parents tend to want to have their own needs met after a divorce – to find happiness again with someone new. But not only do the old problems often resurface for the adults, new problems are added for the children. As Wallerstein observed, "It's not that parents love their children less or worry less about them. It's that they are fully engaged in rebuilding their own lives — economically, socially and sexually. Parents' and children's needs are often out of sync for many years after the breakup." Children again feel abandoned as parents pursue better relationships after the breakup."
Feelings of abandonment and confusion are only compounded when one or both parents find a new spouse. A second marriage brings complications and new emotions for children — not to mention new stepsiblings, stepparents and stepgrandparents, who often are in competition for the parent's attention. (And the adjustment can be even more difficult — because it is the adults who choose new families, not the children.)
One young lady put it this way, "My loss was magnified as my father remarried and adopted a new 'family.' Despite attempts on my part to keep in touch, we live in different cities, and his life now revolves around his new family with infrequent contact with me. This has only increased the feelings of abandonment and alienation from the divorce."
And the high rate of second-marriage divorces can leave children reeling from yet another loss.
Full "recovery" is nearly impossible for children because of the dynamic nature of family life. While you and your ex-spouse's lives may go on separately with relatively little thought, your children will think about their loss almost every day. And 25 years after the fact, they will certainly be influenced by it. Life itself will remind them of the loss at even the happiest moments. As Earll explains: "Children never get over divorce. It is a great loss that is in their lives forever. It is like a grief that is never over. All special events, such as holidays, plays, sports, graduations, marriages, births of children, etc., bring up the loss created by divorce as well as the family relationship conflicts that result from the 'extended family' celebrating any event."
When children see their parents breaking up and leaving each other, they Just don't understand. All they know is the two people they love so much is breaking up their home after a X amount of years. They are confused, scared and their hearts are broken.
They have a lot of questions in their mind's and afraid to ask them. Wefound these questions children asked while we were doing resurch onthe web.
13 Utterly Heartbreaking Questions
Kids Ask About Divorce
1. "I just want you and daddy to be in the same house. Can't you just be roommates? For me?"
2. "When I told my 6-year-old son about the split, he said, 'Does this mean we'll be daddy-less kids?' Now that hurt."]
3. "My 10-year-old son Michael asked, 'Will this home always be here for us?'"
4. "Will your new wife be our aunt, or what? 'Cause we already have a mom."
5. "At age five, my child asked, 'When does your heart tell your brain -- or your brain tell your heart -- you're not in love anymore?'"
6. "'Why did daddy break his promise to us?' He had promised to find a place to live close to us... then he moved to another city."
7. "What will happen when I get married and you two can't even be in the same room together at my wedding?"
8. "Why can't daddy's girlfriend just live here, too?"
9. "'How come you don't spend the night anymore?' and later, 'How come you and mommy didn't get along?'"
10. "Why didn't you leave dad a long time ago?"
11. "'Why doesn't daddy love us anymore?' They haven't seen him in one and a half years."
12. "Why don't you and daddy just stay together and work it out? You are supposed to be a team and a team works together, right?"
13. "Is it my fault?"
Children of Divorce at Higher Risk for Suicide:
8 Vital Tips for Parents
“Divorce is a life moment that’s likely going to be devastating to a child. It can feel like a death to them,” says Connatser Family Law Attorney Christine Powers Leatherberry. If you’re a parent who is preparing to divorce, consider the following tips to help minimize the pain of divorce for your children.
“Divorce is a life moment that’s likely going to be devastating to a child. It can feel like a death to them,” says Connatser Family Law Attorney Christine Powers Leatherberry. If you’re a parent who is preparing to divorce, consider the following tips to help minimize the pain of divorce for your children.
1. If you're not already involved in church, get started. Your child/ren need to know about Jesus and His love for them. They need to know that He is everything to them. Psalm 18:2 The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower. Talk to them about the Lord and how important they are to Him and how much He loves them. Let them know that He has a cause, {Purpose}, for them in life.
2. Always Take the High Road. “We find that the worst thing divorcing parents can do is to talk negatively about the other parent in front of the kids. We tell them to instead take the high road and put the drama aside,” Christine says. While this can be one of the most challenging pieces of advice to take, it may benefit children profoundly in the long-term.Christine also tells parents, “You do not want to mishandle this for your children or your divorce proceeding because how you handle this will have a lasting impact. Your children will never forget how you handled yourself during this time. While the children’s needs should be the top priority, how a parent behavespertaining to child custody and visitation can also be a factor in how a judge rules in their divorce. For example, disparaging the other parent in front of the children is not considered healthy parenting.”
3. Ask your custody and/or divorce attorney to recommend a counselor. Experienced family law attorneys work with counselors on a regular basis and they will know several reputable counselors they can recommend for both kids and parents. Which leads us to …
4. Seek advice on how to tell the kids about the divorce. “One of the first things we suggest to parents is to see a counselor first – preferably with their spouse – so they can get a professional recommendation on how to tell the kids they are getting divorced,” says Christine.
An experienced family counselor can tell you how best to prepare kids for the uncertainty of divorce, help them feel secure and ensure that they do not feel that they are in any way responsible.
5. Schedule time for kids to meet with a counselor. After you tell your children about the divorce, it can be very helpful for them to meet with a counselor for an assessment to find out how they are coping. “Parents should leave the counseling to the professionals. They are not in a good state of mind to counsel their own children, nor are they neutral parties,” Christine says.
Once the counselor evaluates the child, they can recommend if and when additional counseling sessions would be helpful. Counselors can provide kids with an outlet, give them guidance and teach them coping skills.
6. Remember that your kids won’t be this age forever. Parents often get stuck in the present and forget that the child will need to interact with both parents for years to come. Your relationship with your child and your child’s relationship with the other parent should evolve in a healthy manner over the long-term.
Says Christine, “It’s important to remind parents that they will want their child to have a good relationship with the other parent. That can make for a happier, healthier child, who may be less likely to repeat the same mistakes of their parents.”
7. Communicate frequently with people at your child’s school. Parents should keep an eye out for warning signs that their child is having a tough time dealing with divorce. “How kids handle things at school can be a big tip-off,” Christine says.“Make a point to talk with your child’s school, teacher, counselor, coaches, etc.,” she adds.Some of the warning signs that parents and school officials should watch for in kids of divorce may include:
a - Their grades begin to suffer.
b - They miss extracurricular activities and practices (sports, dance team, choir, band, etc.).
c - They act out, get into trouble, are late to class or pick fights with other kids.
d - They pay a visit to the school nurse and/or pretend to be sick to get out of class.
e - They approach their school counselor on their own.
By keeping the lines of communication with the school open and alerting them to the fact that a divorce is on the horizon, school officials should be better prepared to spot any changes in behavior or warning signs early on..
8. Tell children it’s OK to talk about how they feel. “Kids need to know that it’s healthy for them to talk about their feelings. They should also be told to ask any questions they want to about the divorce and how it will affect them,” Christine says. Let a reputable family counselor be your guide.
DIVORCE HURTS
Cheaded Out Of Childhood