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Suffer The Little Children

C U T T I N G  ISN'T  THE  ANSWER

Another Cutting Story Of

A Confused Young Man

They weren't use to the cursing their mother's boyfriend did all the time, they were use to going to Sunday School and they never heard the cursing at home like they do now.  There were some programs on TV they were not allowed to watch and songs they couldn't listen to, but now they could watch and listen to anything they wanted to.  They were never left alone for long periods of time, but now they were left alone all day long while their mother and boyfriend were at work.

 

She lied to the kids about taking them to practic, she took her son to football just enough to think he was going to play, but he knew he wouldn't get to play because he didn't show up for practice.  Inside his heart was broken and he was so dissapointed.  Her little girl didn't get to play ball like her mother said she could.  When they asked to spend time with their day there was always something coming up they had to do that weekend

They didn't get to talk to their dad on the phone very much and when they did, their mom sat next to them and told them what to say.  He wanted a car so bad, but he didnt get it like she promised.  She bought them things and keep them busy doing things in hopes they would forget about going to see their father.  She keep telling them that their father was no good, lazy , couldn't hold down a job and accused him of touching his girls by his previous wife in a bad way, which was proven that it was a lie. 

We're going to call her older son Max from this point on.  Max was so depressed, and down because of all that has happened to his family.  The home he grew up in was gone. The game he loved and had high hopes of playing in collage was gone.  His mom and dad couldn't along anymore.  He left all his friends behind where he went to school before was gone.  The car he thought he was getting never came about, he couldn see his dad's side of the family that he loved and had such a good time with anymore.

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​He felt like his whole world fell in on him.  All he could do now was keep his mother happy now by doing things to please her.  He felt like it was too late to turn back now.  He was so depressed he didn't know what to do with himself.  He was so mixed up he didn't know which end was up.  He told his friends at school about his problems and someone told him they had problems like that and they started cutting themself to help take the pain away.

He just didn't feel like he was worth anything anymore, if he could just go back in time and make it all go away.  He was so angry inside he could scream.  The year he went to stay with him mom, sister and his mom's boyfriend his mom finaly gave in and told him he could go spend Christmas with his dad.  She told him that they were going to his aunts with the family on Christmas Eve in the evening and his dad needed to have him home by 7:00 pm.

 

When it came time for him to be at home he asked his dad to take him home because they had plans.  It had been quite some time since his dad seen him and spent some time together and he told Max no, that he wanted to be with him for a few hours before he took him back.  He was so upset over it.  He felt like no one loved him anymore and no one cared how he felt.  Just as everyone was leaving his grandpa's house he gave his grandpa a hug and told him he loved him just like he always did.

No one knows why, but when he got home he was so upset at his dad for not getting him back on time, and so was his mother, he told her that grandpa did something bad to him years ago and that his dad and grandpa raped him.  He had everything bottled up inside him that he had to let it go.  He had to blow up on someone and it just happened to be dad and grandpa.  It got so bad it ended up in Children Services and in a hearing like a court.

 

Before court he backed up on his story of the rape charges and he and his mom came to far to turn back now so they went ahead with the charge against his grandpa.  After hearing everyones side of what was going on and what kind of mother he had the judge said he would review everything and let them know.  Max's grandpa and his mom received the judges decission in the mail a couple weeks later.  He found his grandpa not guilty.  He could see right through his mother and see what she was doing.

 

Max received some counseling and on his 17th birthday. he finally got him a car.  Even when he was hold enough to graduate he still done what his mother told him to do and didn't go around his dad or grandpa.  She told him if he did that she would take the car away.  It had been some time since everything happened and he was doing better.  It will take a long time to heal from all he went through.  How could anyone who went through what these children went through ever forget.  The sad thing is, their mother drilled things in their young minds so much that they will believe all she told them, even if none of it was true.  The thing is that Max no longer cut himself.  His grandpa said that he had faith in the Lord and with his prayers Max would no longer try to hurt himself.

Amanda (not her real name) was feeling overwhelmed. Her parents were preoccupied with financial worries. Her algebra teacher had assigned tons of homework. And her best friend was not speaking to her because of a fight they had a couple of days earlier. Amanda felt alone and afraid. After a particularly tough algebra exam, she felt her world was caving in. She ran into a stall in the girls' bathroom, rolled up her sleeve, and cut her left arm as hard as she could with her nails. She drew blood, but she continued to scratch and cut. In her mind, self-injury was the only way she could deal with all the dealing with stress.                                                                                                  

 

A few minutes later, her feelings of hopelessness subsided. And self-injury gradually became a ritual: Every time Amanda was in a stressful or uncomfortable situation, she would "release" the bad feelings by cutting her left arm with her nails or even with a razor blade. She carefully concealed the scars to avoid questions from friends and family.                                                                                              

 

When teens feel sad, distressed, anxious, or confused, the emotions might be so extreme that they lead to acts of self-injury (also called cutting, self-mutilation, or self-harm). Most teens who inflict injury on themselves do so because they are experiencing stress and anxiety.  Besides cutting and scratching, hitting, biting, picking at skin, and pulling out hair are some of the other ways teens use self-injury to cope with intensely bad feelings. Sometimes teens injure themselves regularly, almost as if it were a ceremony. Other times, they may hurt themselves at moments when they need an immediate release for built-up tension.                                                                                                                 

 

Self-injury is an unhealthy and dangerous act and can leave scars, both physically and emotionally.

Stress and Self-Injury

Everybody experiences stress. But stress can feel very different for different people. Sometimes it is characterized by feeling nervous or jumpy. It can also include feelings of intense sadness, frustration, or anger.These feelings are often (but not always) caused by things that happen during the day (such as a car accident or a fight with a friend). They can also be caused by something that is going to happen in the future (such as a big test or a dance recital). Stress also appears in different levels, or degrees.                                                 

 

Some people naturally feel higher levels of stress than others. For examples, two performers in a school play might feel drastically different about performing. One might be excited; the other might feel dizzy and nauseous.                                 

 

This difference may be due to a person's biological makeup, or it might be due to a traumatic experience at a very young age. While these feelings may be triggered by a certain event or by many bad things happening in a short period of time, intense feelings of frustration could also be related to a person's upbringing. Children of abusive parents might lack good role models for dealing with stress in a healthy way.           

 

Just as everyone experiences stress in unique ways, everyone deals with stress in different ways. These ways of lessening bad feelings are called "coping mechanisms." There are healthy coping mechanisms, like: 

1.  Exercising

2.  Playing the piano or drums

3.  Meditating or praying

4.  Talking with someone you trust

 

There are also unhealthy coping mechanisms, like:                          

 

1.  Drug use

2.  Alcohol abuse

3.  Cigarette smoking

4.  Self-injury

Psychologists have found that self-injury can rapidly get rid of tension and other bad feelings. But, like drugs and alcohol, self-injury provides only a quick fix. Besides the physical consequences, one danger of self-injury is that the habit can last into adulthood. That's why it's crucial that teens learn safe, healthy, effective coping strategies so they can deal with anxiety and stress appropriately into adulthood.

Stress Reduce the Risk of Self Harm

Even the most affirming and validating caregivers can raise a child or teen who engages in self harm, such as cutting themselves; however, there is something caregivers can do to reduce the risk.

 

Children and teens often engage in self harm such as cutting and burning themselves because they do not know how to tolerate distress and express their emotions in healthy ways. As caregivers, there is something that we can do to reduce the risk that our children will eventually resort to self- harm when they become upset. We can create a validating environment.                                                                                                                        

When children grow up in a validating environment they are more likely to share their feelings with others in an appropriate way rather than take their feelings out on their body with a knife, a razor blade, or a cigarette lighter. When children really feel heard and understood, they are much more likely to open up and talk and release their tension and pain in a productive way.

A child who grows up in a validating environment is better able to identify their emotions and regulate them, knowing that they are okay and temporary. No matter how bad they feel, they understand that the feeling will pass without having to do something destructive. When a child is validated they do not feel alone with their distressing emotions. This helps prevent the feeling of chronic emptiness that many people who engage in self-harm often experience.                                                                                 

 

“The invalidating environment contributes to emotional dysregulation by failing to teach the child to label and modulate arousal, to tolerate distress, or to trust his or her own emotional responses as valid interpretations of events.” Linehan goes on to say, “A defining characteristic of an invalidating environment is the tendency to respond erratically and inappropriately to private experience (e.g., beliefs, thoughts, feelings, sensations), and in particular to be insensitive to private experience that does not have public accompaniments.)”   An invalidating environment consists of caregivers who deny a child’s private experience (feelings, opinions, beliefs) because the caregiver is not also experiencing the same thing.  

*  An example of this may be a child telling a parent that they are hungry, and a caregiver replying, “No, you are not! You just ate.”               *  Another example of an invalidating environment may be a child telling a parent that they are scared of a spider and the caregiver responding, “That is ridiculous.”                                                  

 

When a parent or caregiver denies a child’s experience, the child is left feeling frustrated and emotionally abandoned, and over time, the child will begin to distrust his own feelings, opinions, and beliefs. The child will then grow up looking to others for validation and feel lonely due to the loss of self.            

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